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The Interview from Hell

Interview a creative director, a Flash designer, and a production artist all applying for jobs at your creative agency. Each candidate is an interview from hell! Live your fantasy by choking and slapping these self absorbed job applicants and by burning their less than ideal resumes. Then, contact Artisan Talent to find the freelance or full-time talent of your dreams.

First up: Your interview from hell with Jeff the creative director

“Hey. You know I was about ready I was about to leave. I’ve been out there for like 5 minutes. But it’s all good.

Well you’ve seen my book, obviously. All the ideas are mine. I’m a conceptor. I don’t really do hands-on. Concepts, high level designs, global thought processes. I am there to steer the ship. I’ve worked at all the real shops in town.

Your office is nice. I hope mine is bigger though. When I shot with Spike, I had my own trailer with a massage table. I learned that from Jay. You know Jay. Yeah. He told me, “If want something done right, you gotta yell at somebody.” Hal said I was the best writer he ever worked with. Well not with words, but you don’t have to say it aloud, you know? It was the same way with Jeff too. And Dan.

I hate stupid clients. I mean, they’re always bugging me, “Can I ask you a question?” Ugh, it gives me a headache.

Ideas, man. I work in ideas. You know I was on this shoot in Scotland and the client was like: “Um, we’re going to have to change that.” I was like “No, you’re going to have to change your diaper.”

Clients, they’re all muppets. You got to be up front with them and tell them, “You are dumb. I am smart. Do what I tell you and you’ll be much happier.”

Look, I’m here for the karma but if you don’t have anything specific in mind, I don’t want to waste my time. I know how you guys work. I’ve been all over town.

Well, you’ve got my book. You tell me what we should talk about. Is there something to talk about? I hate interviews. They’re such a waste of time. I mean, it should be like you got my book, make me an offer, you know?

Hey can someone make a Starbuck’s run?”

Next: Your interview from hell with Kevin the Flash designer

“What’s with the lobby man? Is that supposed to be art? It’s cool. It’s cool. This office though is much more chic. Are those Effies? That’s cute. Client must have been happy, huh?

Yep, Yep! That’s cool. That’s cool.

So you know me man. I’m like a Swiss army knife Flash designer. In demand! I Code, action script, I make things POP you know what I’m saying! But don’t ask me to hand code HTML. All right? I only use Dreamweaver. If you can afford me. The look on your face, dude.

Hey man. You should come watch me spin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, every week. It goes late too, it’s off the chain. My stuff only gets kicking at like 3 am in the morning, which leaves me no good before like noon. That’s not going to be a problem is it? Cool, cool, whatever’s clever man. Mornings suck anyway.

Sometimes I just want to tell the clients to like chill out, you know? I mean deadlines, what are those? That’s just some arbitrary date some fat cat decided to make up anyways. Here’s my date. Get out of my face. If I’m not feelin’ it, I’m not feelin’ it. You feeling me? No doubt. Aww sho’ enough son, sho’ enough.

Uh, I won’t take the gig if I can’t wear jeans. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.

Oh man, so have you seen my business card? Oh, check this out. You’re gonna like this. You’re gonna love it man. It’s made entirely out of human hair. Yup. Feel it. See the embossing on that? Yeah it’s crazy huh? It even smells like human hair. With a bit of Denorex on there I think that person had psoriasis or something.

But uh, but uh yeah dude.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I’ve been experimenting a lot with like black lights, you know I’m saying? And cats. And just like them together seeing what they’re doing. You don’t like cats do you? Ok cool.

Cool. Yep yep.

Oh BTW man, I haven’t been on a PC in like years, so. But it shouldn’t be a problem. I can jump back in there it’s not a big deal. But you know, I can’t take the job if I can’t wear jeans. I was serious about that.

Cool. Cool. Cool.

All right. Ch-ch-ch…(starts beat boxing). You know me. You know me. That’s right.

Lastly: Your interview from hell with Kathy the production artist

“Hi! How are you? I’m great. Just great. So, I’m Kathy. I know. I know. “Chatty Kathy, chatty Kathy”, that’s what everyone says. It’s so funny.

So I’m a production artist because you know I can do production. I’m really good at it. In my last job, everyone said, “Kathy is a great production artist”. And I know ‘cause I was right there. Anyway, I went college with like everyone in town so I run into everyone, I mean practically my whole sorority is like right next door, so it’s almost like I never even left. Which is good - oh!

Hi! Oh that’s so sweet, I miss you to. No that’s okay. I’m there right now. It’s going great! Uh-huh. Oh good I miss you too. Okay, all right. All right. Buy me something. Buy me something!

Sorry that was my Dad. Dads are so funny. My dad is so sweet, he brought me flowers at work the other day in front of everyone. I was so touched. I think he’s afraid I’m gonna get a boyfriend or something which is so funny ‘cause all I do is work. You don’t know any single rich guys do you? Just kidding! Not really. Anyway where was I? Oh! I am a great production artist. I love print. I’m “self taught” in Indesign. I haven’t used Quark since 1998, but I’m sure not that much has changed.

Oh, that’s cool. What is it? It reminds me of a gift one of my clients gave me on my last job. I love working with clients. They are so sweet. Adorable, absolutely adorable. I could just eat ‘em up. JK.

So, when do you think I can start? I just want to sit down, put my head down and bang out production stuff.”